Saturday, October 31
Shadow

In defence of being a slut

Let’s talk about sluts. Because between you and me I think they are on to something.

By the looks of things these ladies are possibly the only ones getting it right and it’s time that everyone embraces the advantages of being a slut with open arms.

After all sluts don’t care that they are doing a walk of shame though campus on a Tuesday afternoon, they just stuff their knickers into their bag, hold up two (metaphorical) fingers to those raising their eyebrows, safe in the knowledge that they know something these frigid bitches don’t and enjoying themselves along the way.

So wear your scarlet A with pride, stop slut shaming and begin slut celebrating.

Sex is better when you’re a slag

Let’s be brutally honest here, first time sex with someone you’re dating is not all silk sheets and baby oil, despite what romantic comedies would have us believe.

More often than not it is an abysmal combination of sucking in your stomach, pretending to ignore bizarre squelchy noises and praying that your orgasm face (real or faked) doesn’t make you looked constipated.

However, the beauty of noncommittal nookie is that modest vanilla sex because a thing of the past. Who cares if Mr Tall, Dark & Anonymous thinks you’re an utter filthbag, you’re having fun he’s having fun. Happy days.

And if you’re not having fun, if it’s not mindblowing, if he only lasted two minutes and said “This honestly never happens”, you’re still safe. You don’t have to lie during pillow talk to protect his ego and salvage your bleak relationship just because Christmas is coming up and you want to exchange cute presents.

You can just move on to the next one and laugh about the bad experience with your friends. Who cares, you’re never going to see him again anyway.

If you hold out you’re a bad feminist

There is a wide spread – and completely ridiculous – belief that if a girl wants to keep a guy interested she must withhold sex for as long as humanly possible.

How long you should hold out for varies, but the rule of thumb is if you can feel your hymen growing back you’re about halfway there.

Obviously this is bullshit.

It’s baffling that some girls still believe that all guys want is a quick shag before pissing off. Life is not a Jane Austin novel or a cringe 1990’s chick flick. If you are doing it right then they should be begging for more not deleting your number the second they pull up their Calvins.

And if they do just want it as a notch in their bed post, as long as you embrace your inner slut you’re on the same wavelength anyway, why should you care? It’s equality at it’s finest. And wouldn’t you rather discover his attitude after enduring weeks worth of their shit Snapchat selfies and awkward Nando’s dates?

Yet another alternative – maybe your beau isn’t a total sleazebag, but they’re just shit in bed. Figure out their abilities (or lack thereof) before you get in too deep – nobody wants to be the girl who breaks up with someone because their bedroom abilities are similar to that of a trout with Parkinson’s Disease.

To be brief, being a slut is a time-saver. It’s just a more efficient way of life.

Practice makes perfect

I bet you didn’t know that you could get your leg into that position either until that guy from Happn (what was his name?) introduced you to some pretty fancy new moves.

Nobody is instantly an expert without a decent amount of practice. So strip down, saddle up and get cracking on some ‘independent research of the human form’. After all been a treat between the sheets is an aspiration that we all share.

There is no time like the present.

Not to be a killjoy but your bodies will not remain this bouncy, weekday binge drinking sessions will one day be frowned upon not applauded and the pool of eligible playmates will steadily grow shallower.

Not only that, but when sex is always on the cards, you’ll be more encouraged to keep your body in tip-top shape. No better excuse to go to the gym and make sure you’re always looking your best – and just think of all the extra exercise you’re getting doing it.

Take it from a graduate – university is the best time to perfect the art of casual sex.

With winter getting colder and the majority of students not having enough cash for a decent pair of gloves never mind a whole winter wardrobe, what better way to refresh your wardrobe than with a collection of one-night stand hoodies?

If guys offer you a jumper for that nippy walk of shame take it, then keep it and channel the slaggy-chic look with pride.